The practice of any psychologist is rich in parental appeals, the essence of which boils down to a request for help: “Help, I have a problem child!”, “My son has become uncontrollable, what should I do?”
Are there problem children? There is only one answer to this question – no!
There are only problem parents. And the child is just a mirror of the family, in which, if you look closely, everything is reflected: the personal problems of the parents, marital, parent-child relationships, contradictions and conflicts.
Taking this into account, is it necessary to say that most often the mirror is crooked? It is this curvature that manifests itself in the form of uncontrollable and negative behavior of the child.
Sometimes these manifestations can be mitigated or eliminated altogether. This is facilitated by both positive changes in family relations, and work with the intrapersonal problems of the parents themselves. Both have a beneficial effect on the formation of the child’s personality. But, I will stress again, this, unfortunately, happens very rarely. Why? Because most parents do not want to admit, and even more so to work on themselves and their shortcomings. Very often they require a psychologist to work to correct the child’s behavior. And the more you work with the younger generation, the more you become convinced that there are no “difficult” ones among them, just many need a healthy environment.
On the other hand, there are more than enough “difficult cases” among parents. Here are just a few examples from the whole variety:
“My child should not be lacking in anything!” – this is the motto and life principle of these people. By the way, there are not always really wealthy people among them. More often, on the contrary, these are ordinary citizens with an average or even low income. However, they are the ones who believe that if their child wanted something, then he should get it, regardless of whether he really needs it or not.
Such parents always replace the concept of love with the concept of buy. Instead of paying attention to the child, giving him their communication, rewarding him with their love, giving him warmth and affection, they buy a toy at a higher price (often subconsciously, or even consciously, motivating it like this: “so that he does not come up for a longer time and does not interfere with the rest or work “), hire a nanny or a governess -” more professional “(it is mandatory that with a higher pedagogical education:” so that the child develops intellectually, was well brought up “).
You can also buy a tutor, coach, psychologist and doctor. And start thinking calmly: “Now the child has everything, and I can finally start making money – after all, the child is growing, and his needs will also grow! Therefore, it is also necessary to buy a car, an apartment, a prestigious institute and a thousand more things that are very necessary for the formation of a child’s personality. ” And, of course, if someone tries to bring such a parent to their senses a little, then in response they will surely hear – “you cannot be happy and needy.” Although the French film “Toy” says that you can …
For these parents, any thought of a child is permeated with anxiety. “He might catch a cold; he may have worms, he may hurt himself, he may be frightened, etc. ” And, which is not surprising, the child, as if resigned to the inevitability, catches a cold (an unhardened child – poor immunity), worms are found in him (and who does not have them in childhood?), And is simply constantly frightened – of the darkness, doctors, animals, etc. .d. (and who taught him to be afraid, huh? …) But the worst (in terms of consequences) is the fear that the child will not be able to do something (tie his laces, ride a two-wheeled bicycle on his own, use the phone). And since he cannot cope himself, then he needs to be helped! And they help, help, help … Parents of this type would not hurt to read the book by Anatoly Nekrasov “Mother’s Love” and think about the question: “Where did the expression” mama’s son “or” daddy’s daughter go from? ”
These parents were tired even before they had a child. Once armed with illusions about family life and the upbringing of a child and faced, in their opinion, with “harsh and difficult everyday life”, they at once lose interest in married life and in raising their child. The key phrases of such parents are “don’t run!”, “Don’t go!”, “Don’t do that,” “don’t do that!”, “I’m so tired of you!”, “I’ll punish you now!”. And, the most catchphrase: “I’m tired of you (tired)!” Remember, the most terrible thing for a child, and even for an adult, is the inattention of another person, and especially a person close, dear. And in order to receive this attention, the child is ready for anything. It is vital for him that his parents pay attention to him! And all the same, what it will be, negative, in the form of another portion of abuse or some other punishment, or positive. It’s just that while the child does not know how else to draw the attention of mom or dad to himself.
“Parents are perfectionists”
“You should be the best!” – that’s their motto. Such parents, as a rule, have at least two higher educations, and always dreaming of defending their Ph.D., they work, at best, as an assistant in some department. At the same time, they strive to send the child to the “most-most-prestigious” kindergarten: with in-depth study of a foreign language and Lobachevsky’s geometry. As for the choice of the school, then, of course, for the sake of studying in it, they will overcome any obstacles: to carry him through the whole city, to hire tutors to “match the level.” Still, after all, in their opinion, it is necessary to study only with excellent marks. Yes, and the school curriculum should be the most untested, and, of course, the most effective in terms of creating a child prodigy. In addition, to their displeasure, some “irresponsible” teachers do not want to be imbued with an understanding of the peculiarities of their child. Moreover, they, as if on purpose, try to occupy the student not at all with those subjects that are “important and necessary”, but with completely unnecessary and primitive, interfering, time-consuming, reducing the overall indicator of academic achievement: work, technology, physical education, music, life safety and etc.
“Parents Are Losers”
Paradoxically, these parents, at first glance, have achieved a lot. However, if you look closely, you can see the stigma of some unfulfilled desire in their behavior.
Professional sports, a large stage, a podium, personal exhibitions of artwork – all this haunts ambitious dads and mothers. Once upon a time, their own laziness, lack of motivation, lack of proper support, together with other “objective” reasons, did not allow these desires to be realized. But they will definitely “give or instill” their dream to their children.
And it doesn’t matter that this dream was formed during their adult life and began to look more like a fruitless fantasy. As a result, “great” prospects open up before their children: not just study, but work on any science, sport, etc. ten hours a day, forgetting about useless toys, about communicating with peers and recognizing as completely uninteresting ordinary children’s hobbies, hobbies and fun.
But if they manage to miraculously avoid depletion of the nervous system, neurosis or psychosomatosis, they still have hope to finally realize their dream. More precisely, the dream of their parents, but it doesn’t matter anymore … is it true ?!
“Parents are speculators or manipulators”
A child for such a parent is just a way of influencing others: a spouse, parents, other relatives. “This is not necessary for me, it is necessary for the child!” – this is how one parent addresses another. And the more helpless or somatically weakened the child, the more opportunities his father or mother has to influence other family members. Sometimes these parents try to keep a destructive family together, rallying everyone around the problem with the child.
Naturally, from birth, being surrounded by “relatives” who have the above problems, growing up in an environment that is completely not conducive to psychological comfort, our children are trying to protect themselves from such a reality. And then either unconscious protective mechanisms or copping strategies appear in them – conscious ways of protecting themselves from the surrounding reality, attempts to rationalize their behavior, the desire to avoid thinking about their own actions, and the desire to escape from loneliness or anxiety.
And what are we, loving and sincere parents doing? And we, facing face to face with this kind of behavioral reactions (including various kinds of addictions, unwillingness to learn, striving for social and antisocial behavior, etc., I’m not talking about health problems), loudly say to ourselves and those around us, “God , this is such a problem child! But at the same time, we never even admit a shadow of doubt “Or maybe it’s just that we are problem parents?” …