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Dec 29, 2020
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Why are we jealous? 6 unobvious reasons

If a jealous person’s suspicions are not supported by anything, but he still harasses his partner with suspicions, why does he do this? And can this difficult experience be dealt with?

Sometimes jealousy is caused not at all by betrayal, but by internal problems or unconscious benefits of the jealous person himself. Psychologist Irina Gross talks about the reasons for “groundless” jealousy and how to deal with it.

one. DESIREMENT TO MANIPULATE

If your partner “caught” you in the arms of another, jealousy will be justified. But if, for no objective reason, he forces you to answer hundreds of tricky questions like “Where have you been? With whom? What did you do? “, He simply manipulates you.

By making a complaint, the accuser makes the accused feel guilty. And if he falls for the bait, starts making excuses, giving an account, trying to be good, then we can say that the manipulation worked.

But what is behind the manipulation? Why is it needed? In this way, one partner simply controls the other, turning into a despot and overlord. His message is: “You are mine (mine)”, “You belong to me.”

A jealous person in this case does not need a real reason, he will find something or someone to be jealous of. When it seems to him that his “property” is out of control, he tries to regain this control. This is how the typical tyrant-victim relationship is born.

What to do? Do not support unfounded jealousy, do not make excuses and do not take the blame on yourself. In a relaxed atmosphere, try to talk to your partner, explain to him that the situation does not suit you, suggest contacting a family psychologist. Well, if that doesn’t work, think about whether you need such a relationship.

If you yourself are jealous, then check yourself: are you trying to control the other and possess him completely?

2. A FEELING OF OWN WERE

The partner considers himself inferior in something and tries to compensate for this inferiority at the expense of another. He is sincerely convinced that this other is a part of him, integral and inseparable. And losing him will be unbearable and even fatal.

If such a partner feels that he can lose the one who is nearby, he begins to be jealous. But behind such jealousy lies a reluctance to become mature and independent, to learn to find support in oneself.

What to do? Only one thing will help here – to leave the jealous person at least for a while and let him deal with his jealousy. Well, if you yourself are jealous, you will have to admit that the only person over whom you have power is you. And we cannot control others.

3. MENTAL DISORDER

Constant groundless suspicions, the desire to see a conspiracy in everything are frequent companions of paranoid states, that is, they can be signs of a mental disorder.

What to do? See a psychiatrist or psychotherapist. The person himself may not be aware of the problem, so the help of loved ones is needed here. If suddenly you become the object of such jealousy, admit that the jealous person is not yourself, and keep at a safe distance.

4. LOW SELF-ESTEEM

Are you jealous because everyone around you is better than you? Are you afraid that your partner will realize this and leave? The reasons for this jealousy are low self-esteem and their own lack of fulfillment.

A person does not believe that he can be loved, doubts himself and constantly tries to convict a partner of infidelity. Collecting printouts of phone calls, hiring detectives, arranging investigations. Compares himself to others – and always not in his favor. Or maybe subconsciously trying to force the partner to end the relationship, because he thinks that sooner or later the partner will do it himself.

What to do? Work on self-esteem. If they are jealous of you, offer to visit a specialist together, because it is impossible to prove to your partner forever that he is the best. You are not a psychotherapist. If you are jealous, also try to see a psychologist. Self-confidence is useful not only in personal relationships, but also in work and in school and friendship.

5. DESIRING TO GET ATTENTION AND RECOGNITION

Such jealousy can often be observed in children when they suddenly become older brothers or sisters and they no longer have enough attention from their parents. So we, adults, want attention, we arrange scenes of jealousy so that we are noticed, seen, and remembered about our existence.

What to do? Children do not yet know how to openly and directly articulate their needs. But we are not children, and we are able to learn to understand ourselves and openly ask partners: “Please give me attention. Stay with me, talk, hug me. ”

6. DESIRE TO DESIGN BORDERS

Sometimes we get jealous because our partner really crosses the line. For example, your husband flirts with your girlfriend. Yes, there has been nothing between them yet, but you let him know that his behavior in your pair is unacceptable.

What to do? The best way to avoid such jealousy is to agree on the beach, which is considered cheating in your couple. For some, looking away is already a crime, while others are satisfied with an open relationship.

Whatever is behind jealousy, there is nothing good in it, and if you feel distrust of your partner, try to figure out what is the reason, what really bothers you. And work out exactly this cause, not the effect.

About the author

Irina Gross is a clinical psychologist, specialist in the field of transactional analysis and gestalt therapy. Read more on her website.

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PREPARED BY: Olga Kochetkova-Korelova

SOURCE OF PHOTOS: Getty Images

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