Jan 23, 2021
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Get it out of your head. Five tips for those who want but cannot stop loving

“Unloved” – people deal with this sad “diagnosis” in different ways. Some stubbornly conquer the one they liked so much, others humbly wait and hope for the miracle of reciprocity, while others go to the most humiliating conditions just in order to be in a relationship with their object of adoration. For those who act according to one of these scenarios, but want to throw off the burden of unrequited love, psychotherapist, psychiatrist Aina Gromova tells how to achieve what you want.

The more you think of someone, the more you like them.

All unhappy unions, setbacks and disappointments in personal life arise because people do not understand the mechanics of love. The secret is that love is our emotional investment in a chosen object. As soon as someone for some reason has caught our attention, interest awakens in us. Gradually, we think more and more about this person, look forward to meeting, evaluate him / her as a potential partner, collect information about him from various sources, thereby investing our emotional resources in the figure of the chosen one.

The importance of a person grows with each new thought about him, because thoughts are accompanied by emotions: this is how the mechanism of love works, this is how it begins to emerge. And if people think of each other in the same way, that is, they invest equally emotionally, reciprocity is obtained. If they “invest” in different ways – only one is filled with thoughts about the other – unrequited love arises.

And here it is useful to understand why we pay attention to a particular person. There are three main reasons: imprinting, social type, similarity.

Imprinting: we are “touched” by the personality traits and qualities that we once remembered in deep childhood as the first experience of delight and admiration for another person. This is how love is born at first sight.

The second reason is the formed psychosexual type – a product of the era. At all times there is a certain standard of beauty to which everyone strives. And, if you like him, having met a carrier, you will most likely “catch on”, start thinking about this person, gradually “growing” feeling in yourself.

Similarity (appearance, behavior, values ​​and worldview). It is so natural for man to love himself in another!

But, whatever the reason for interest, love will not arise until you begin to “invest” soul, thoughts and feelings in the object.

Unrequited – those who are not “ripe” for mutual love

Do not think about someone who does not think about you, so you will prevent unrequited love. And if the “investment” mechanism has already been launched, you are burning and suffering, but there is not even a hint of reciprocity? The best lapel potion is to understand the nature of irresponsibility and start working on yourself.

Love without reciprocity is usually cultivated by immature people as individuals. We mature in the family, “feeding” on its attitudes and values. And, unfortunately, most parents have no idea how to create conditions for a child to form a healthy self-esteem, the ability to properly recuperate, and independently solve problems. All this immature individuals strive to achieve through interaction with another person.

When we say that a person is in imbalance (he loves, but he does not), it means that everything that he lacks, he “tied” to the figure he loves, and wants to fill the deficit through her.

Deprived of the skills of a mature personality, a person is doomed to suffer until he changes himself. Indeed, with different objects of love, he will play the same scenario. A competent psychologist or psychotherapist will help break this vicious circle.

Psychological correction includes two blocks of tasks. The first is the formation of the functional of a mature personality: self-esteem, thinking without negative attitudes, recovery and the ability to independently solve problems. The second is the awareness of one’s true needs and their realization. This is how, by the way, the extremely popular slogan of our time is being implemented: “Be yourself!” You can separate your real desires from social noise and imposed stereotypes only if you finally start doing something real for yourself.

Five tips that will definitely help you

1. Stop “investing” in the object of your adoration: thinking about him, dreaming, filling your life with his figure. Think about your old past love, for example, school. Do you feel the same way you did before? Probably not. And why? Because you haven’t thought about the subject for a long time! The mechanism is unchanged: no thoughts – no reinforcement of feelings.

2. Do not try to artificially incite hatred towards the object. This is a very strong feeling and will only make the problem worse. The psyche will perceive this as a security threat and will force you to focus on the person even more.

3. Do not switch to another object on a wedge-wedge basis. There will be no key changes, the scenario is the same, and the relationship will be built on the same principle of imbalance.

4. Do not look for the guilty: neither in the other, nor in yourself. You have to understand that you were acting like a standard immature person.

5. Do not track the life of someone who is not interested in you: stop monitoring in social networks and offline, do not call or write to him. The more you do it, the more meaningful it remains to you.

And remember, there must be boundaries for normal, healthy relationships between adults. Mature people build partnerships on the principles of mutual respect, recognition of personal autonomy, the realization that the partner owes nothing, and the family is not a duty, not a duty, but a voluntary form of existence of two people, in which everyone is good and everyone can develop.

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